It has been 2 weeks since my last date and the beginning of this pact with Sophia. So far, I think I am okay. I still notice the flirtatious ways of men but I no longer feel all that great about it. I mean, its cool and all but it makes this so much harder. I keep wondering if I am brushing off Mr. Right and that of course makes me feel all panicky inside. I told Sophia that I would start focusing more on myself. I might as well use all this time I got on my hand to actually do something productive. I made a mental list of the things I would like to accomplish in the next six months.
- I would love to lose a bit of the chub I am carrying. Now don't get me wrong, I’m not a big ol’ fatty but at 5 foot 5 inches and 180 pounds, well this girl could use a little tightening up. The extra weight never used to bother me but that was because I was solid. lately I am noticing a lot more jiggle when I wiggle and that ain't cool.
- I want to turn that guest room / gym room/ semi- office back into an office and actually use it. It can be my own little studio. Yes, corporate life often has me tied to a desk doing BORING stuff like filling out reports and whatnot, but there is nothing saying I can't come home and hit my little studio. I can get back to painting, and drawing, I can try out other mediums of art. Hell maybe I will sit down and finally write that book I have been pondering. The point is, I want to get back to doing what matters most to me. Being CREATIVE.
- I want to run a 5k. I know.. its nothing to a lot of people but it's always been one of those things on my bucket list. Just to train and compete and complete it, heck maybe I will fall in love with it and become a marathon runner, who knows! The sky's the limit!
- I want to take a trip, somewhere exotic, and ALONE. I have always been a big old chicken when it comes to doing just about anything along. I feel weird and slightly afraid. Today I read an article in whatever pop magazine that was sitting in the cafeteria and it said that to truly be comfortable with yourself, to be happy with yourself meant doing things completely alone. Meaning you could have a good ol time without having to rely on anyone else to help you out. This is something I definitely want to do. besides, how can I be good in a relationship if I’m not good just being by myself?
That's a good enough starting point. Right now I think I will cut the lights off and jump into bed before the call of ice cream and cookies consumes me.
Okay so one week down and I am feeling pretty good about myself I must say. This isn't as hard as I thought it would be. And I mean it's actually a piece of cake! it even seems just as tasty as the double chocolate crunch cake that I had for lunch compliments of the cute new checkout guy at the cafeteria in the office building. He complimented my smile and asked me for my number. I politely turned him down and boom FREE CAKE. Now this shouldn't be that major but it's nice to know that even though I said no he still found me appealing. It was almost like he saw it as a challenge.
This isn't to say that I give my number to anyone who asks but it's nice to know that I won't get that "Girl you ugly anyway!" Response. Like... if I'm so ugly... why do you want my number?
Work is going great. I feel so much focused on the day to day task than I was before. I guess wondering if Mike, Joe, or Bob was going to text or call or want another date really did take up a lot of my time. Its funny how we can get so wrapped up in something and not even realize it. Sophia has also reported a noticeable improvement in her mental functionality. I am waiting for the break down and for whatever reason I believe she will get there before me. Until then I am going to keep my thoughts positive and tell myself that this is all for the better.
Hell, and if it gets me a few more slices of free cake, well what's the harm?
Anyway.. that's one week down and 23 more to go. Having dinner with Sophia tonight to recap the week.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?...
Well I guess I will journal. I’m not even sure how this is supposed to work. My girl Sophia had this WONDERFUL idea about us cutting off all association with men in the romantic / physical sense. Let me tell you… this is going to be tough. I mean it's not like I have had this amazing track record. To be honest...its be pretty damn pathetic. The string of just sad sad sad men in my past… did I mention they were SAD? So yeah, part of me welcomes this break from the run around with open arms. On the other hand… I am a tad bit on the OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?? freak out wagon. What if I bump into Mr. Super Wonderful who was made perfect just for me half way through this little experiment and I brush him off? Then what?
After going on a date with a total self involved fool, well I am more than happy to be able to cut the ties with the dating world for a bit. I mean… if I could say anything to the male population, it would be… ASK YOUR DATE ABOUT HERSELF!!! I mean, its cool to chat up about yourself, its cool to tell me how proud you are of your accomplishments, but DAMN, at least make me think you are actually interested in my personality and not just my damn “curvy figure, natural hair and big pretty smile.” Yep, he complimented me only on my physical attributes, not my intellect, my professional accomplishment or even my sweet ride which I know men love. All he saw was a fat derriere and a pretty face.
Anyway, I got this journal so that I could try to track what I am going through. I am hoping that this time will actually be something positive for me. Maybe I will do some super overhaul of myself that will leave me much better for it. Or...maybe I will just veg out and be happy that I don't have to slip my big ass into something tight or semi revealing as I put on a mating dance and hope for a winner!
Hmmm… Ice Cream is sounding pretty good right now!